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may be doing an installation in september. yesterday i finally got traction on some ideas. this is how it starts. |
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i am *so* hoping that all of the out-of-town homies can make it to chillits this year. last chance train is leaving the station . . . |
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putting set notes together. no prospects for playing anywhere in the near future, but that's not really how i operate any more. it's about a story, having something personal to say. not sure if/when this set might see the light of day, but it's nice to feel keyed into music again for the first time in over a year. |
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oh, bar patrons. why do you get so nasty with me at two a.m. do the math on this one, okay? i'll win. every time. |
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Oh, MJ. I love you so much. You've been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. Thank you for everything. I won't ever forget the good times we had. |
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so, i'm gearing up for some new writing projects and i'm also seriously considering a change of venue for This Side. i'm curious to know who is still reading me here in lj-land. i'm going to leave this post up for a week. in the meantime, if anyone has suggestions for other blog sites to move to, lay 'em on me. now is also a good time to offer up any editorial feedback you've got in your hip pocket. thanks, guys. your support has been a tremendous encouragement over the last 6 years. |
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well, my grandmother just died. my mom's mom. we weren't close and she and my mother had a terrible relationship. i knew this was coming for the past few weeks and i'm not actually grieving. this does mean, though, that my mom and her three sisters (two of whom are kinda creepy) are going to get together and deal with the leftover bits. there's a house, some property and a whole lot of junk. i'm sure that there will be a great deal of eye-pecking as well, since these ladies don't get along so well either. i want to support my mom and there is also a part of me that's morbidly curious about how these women will handle themselves. after all, they are my blood. i'm wondering, though, if it's wise to wade in to this powder-keg of a situation. it'd be nice to get a take on the situation not filtered through my mom's personal bullshit. there's a possibility that my presence might lend some civility to these proceedings. i think the opportunity to bear witness to the raw humanity i'm expecting is too engaging to pass up. does that sound awful? |
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had a breakdown on wednesday during which i dashed off an email to shannon. she wrote me this long email back that was full of support, love and encouragement. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this in a past post, but one of the things i wanted to focus on this year is confronting all of my demons. a few weeks ago i realized that's going to take way more than a year. there are fears that i have to identify and then admit to other people. there are people in my ancient history that have fucked me over, big time, and i have to face up to the fact that those things still hurt or make me angry. then i probably have to tell people about that stuff too. In many ways I have been waiting for this e-mail since I met you, because the dual nature of your personality makes this conflict inevitable. Yes, you are someone that values her own time and wants freedom to follow her own passions, but you are also someone who loves people and is genuinely fascinated by the human experience. You are not you without your desire to get involved with the people you meet. Really invovled. But that coupled with a fear of being hurt, betrayed, means that the soft underbelly is the last to be seen. i grew up in a horrorshow, okay? it was really, really bad and no matter what i tried to do to get away from it, things just got worse. there was a period of about a year after i moved in with my dad and stepmother where everything was looking up but then my kid brother moved in and life got about as dark and mean as life can get. i mention this to illustrate the fact that i've been building up my defense for a long time. there's really only one and it's what most people call "the wall." if i don't know you or if you've shown me you're a person that can't be taken at your word, you're on the outside looking in. i can demonstrate love and compassion for you, but you'll never get into what really makes me tick, my secrets or my dreams. i've been this way for so long i don't know how to be any different. Smart people that get hurt young get tough in a hurry. But that doesn't mean we don't have that same desire for closeness....we were just never taught how to express it. anyway, i got another email from a friend today that described me as "vile" and "verbally abusive," but didn't really give me any more to go on. while many of my friendships have grown tighter in the last year, these were the reasons given for this one falling apart. i felt unsteady and wondered if this has been a common perception or if it's just this isolated catastrophy our relationship has become. i left an open invitation to talk about it and at this point that's the extent of what i'm willing to do. i don't think i can afford to put my own process on hold to try and mine the wreckage that was only brought to light after i flipped all my cards and asked "what's really going on here?" this post has no ending. |
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man with all of the reporting on the 25th anniversary, i really want to play some tetris. |
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In the future, if you're wondering? "Crime. Boy, I don't know," is when i decided to kick your ass. |
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for the second time this week i heard a reference to shakespeare that i couldn't trace. i pictured the dictionary-sized "Complete Works of" on my bookshelf and thought once again about throwing my head back into his worlds - where the tragedy isn't the betrayal, but rather the motives behind it. wait, is that even true? i'm not sure. it's probably been ten years since i read anything by shakespeare and i think i'm only realizing it now because i've been thinking a lot about immersing myself in letters. it's been a while and now i'm not sure which happened first - the impulse or the first reference sailing over my head. i feel like my brain's been lazy for a long time. i don't feel smart, not like i used to. i think the bullshit head traffic surrounding my body image has been taking up so much bandwidth for so long that there is a backlog of other issues just queued up to take a swing at the pinata that is my conscious brain. well, this is exactly what i said i wanted to do this year . . . |
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last night at work i had a conversation with a colleague about how much we both despise waiting tables. he works for a company that i used to work for and i was describing the times when, as the bartender, i'd be the only one on the floor in a 200 seat restaurant. that meant waiting and bussing tables upstairs and downstairs, making all of the drinks and seating people. did i mention that it was during happy hour? anyway, while i was telling him all of this i also remembered how i'd get terrible anxiety dreams during that time. dreams that i was waiting tables and things just got totally away from me. anyone who's served before knows what it's like when that happens and how tough it is to get back ahead of the pitch once you are off your game. well, apparently just that fleeting memory was enough to dredge it all up again. last night i had a dream about getting seated with three tables at the same time. some restaurant that doesn't really exist. rocky and leah were at one table and chaya and randy were at another. everyone had orders that involved meat temps and other little details and it was as if my character in the dream was trying to play fifty-two pickup. no bueno. fortunately i floated up towards consciousness before i had to go back and eat crow tableside. um, i'm really sorry but all that time we spent going over the details of what you'd like and how you'd like it prepared? yeah, we're gonna have to do that all again . . . |
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it was susan's last night in the states and after they all went bowling about thirty people showed up at the totsy last night. one minute i was passing the time with sam and nina while they played cards and the next minute i was in the weeds. fortunately my friends were all understanding, most of them have been in before and it's apparent to anyone that there's only one person working. once business started to lighten up a little, all of the industry kids showed up and i was slammed again. i am so fortunate to work in a bar that is an industry favorite, so don't think i'm complaining or anything, i'm just saying those guys can put it away like you wouldn't believe. so, bam, here come another twenty people and they're all thirsty. by the time i kicked everyone out, cleaned up the bar, restocked all the beers, reconciled all of the money and shut off the lights it was four a.m. i wroked at levende for lunch yesterday as well so that adds up to an 18 hour workday. whew. my pimm's cup was a hit, though! you should really try it, it's tasty. ryan and babs are supposed to come in tonight to shoot some pool and i've got tomorrow and friday off. i think i'm going to sit in a hot tub and get a massage. sunset party sunday! |
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remember the ulitmate mango story? well yesterday i had a what would be described as the ultimate kiwi. i've always wanted to ike kiwis, they're ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside and the seeds make a great noise when you chomp down on them but i've never really been wooed by the green fruit until now. planet organics delivered me a batch of the best kiwis i've ever had, the perfect balance of sweet and sour. i get it now. |
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i think the substance of my anxiety boils down to an uncanny ability to terrorize myself with hypothetical futures. there are worst case scenarios floating out there. the two that loom most threateningly are a) a full blown-identity crisis and b) being suicidal again. i can't remember the last time i felt like there was someone in my life to whom i could truly relate. i remember being on tour and often feeling isolated and alone, then coming home and feeling alienated from the same people i'd missed. who am i supposed to see about that? the rhetoric echoed in my head for weeks - this is a similar feeling. there is a difference, to me, between being lonely and feeling isolated. it's the difference between not having people to care about versus all the people that you love not being able to see, embrace, understand you. it's a terrible thing to think about. |
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the worst part about coming home from oode is going back to being alone every day. |
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it's been ages since i logged in to my flickr account. i don't even remember my password and yahoo is dicking me around on getting a replacement. meanwhile, my oode photos sit patiently on my hard drive and all of the old pictures are trapped on the internet. boo, yahoo, boo. |
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spent the last couple of nights decompressing at gelsey and joshua's house. last night they ordered crack-like chinese food and we watched as good as it gets. it has been ages since i watched that movie, even though i own it, and joshua had never seen it at all. i remembered that it was awesome but prior to watching it again, i wouldn't have been able to tell you why.
now i could tell you how jack nicholson's performance elevates my respect for him to a whole new level or i could tell you that the hospital scene is so overwhelming that i couldn't stop tears from leaping down my cheeks. really, though, you should just see it for yourself. even if that means seeing it again. |
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i should be unpacking right now, and i am - sort of. but i keep cming back to the computer to do something and find myself checking for photos from the ballfield. i've got 134 on my camera, about 20 of which are worth sharing. however, since the camera is new i haven't yet figured out how to get the photos onto my computer. i'm holding off on reading that section of the manual until i get all of the gear cleaned and put away. this includes camping dishes but doesn't include laundry. |
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